Hi, I’m still personally questioning my own gender identity and I was wondering if you had any physical sensations that made you realize something wasn’t right with your body? And if so what were they like? Also, how did you decide on this set of procedures rather than just getting the phalloplasty and scrotoplasty?

This is just my own personal experience, but I never felt many physical sensations that something was off. There was a definite nauseous feeling I’d have, going out in public and feeling like I was lying to everyone when they’d think I was a girl. Past that distinct physical feeling, the mismatch I felt was a lot more abstract– harder to describe.

I remember pushing my college boyfriend away from any groin petting, because I knew there was something *not right* with the way I looked down there, even if I didn’t have the vocabulary for expressing it at the time besides “There’s something wrong with me.” I’d stuff socks down the front of my underwear back then and feel somewhat sated.

It wasn’t until 2005, when I moved to a big city and bought my first packer at a local sex toy shop (woo, Smitten Kitten! You were awesome then and you’re still awesome now!) that I felt a euphoria I’d never felt before. Having that floppy weight between my legs– the ‘why’ didn’t make sense, but it *calmed* me. Put me at ease. Like, yes, this matches my brain and my body better, somehow.

I chased that feeling across nine more packers over the years, mostly early stand-to-pee rubber hose and medicine spoon models (which I honestly should’ve been replacing more often than I did…) until finally getting Spot. Which has the handy ability, unlike the packers, of never ONCE falling out of my boxers! :3