Wait, it’s National Coming Out Day? AWESOME!

I know a lot of folks are confused about what the heck I’m doing by now, if the reactions to me wearing dresses again were any indication, so this is a perfect time to clear some things up.

Hi! I’m Jonathan. Also known as Hyde, to my family. *Also* also known as Gerbil, to my friends and the Internet.

I am a trans nonbinary person. I was raised as a girl, decided that wasn’t working out so great for me, tried being a guy for about a decade (including having phalloplasty, where I specifically asked to keep my original plumbing as well– which, as the surgeons found out with me, is now a thing they can do!!) and then gave up on guyhood as well, because “nonbinary” ended up fitting me WAY better as a gender.

This is a recent change: ANY pronouns are fine for you to use. “They” is my personal favorite, followed by “he,” but I won’t turn up my nose at “she” anymore, either. I know not many folks can say this, but, speaking only for myself: pronouns have no power over me anymore. (Which is pretty awesome, I won’t lie.)

I want to thank you all for bearing with me on my journey, and treating me with such overwhelming kindness, respect, and love. Because I have to admit, it’s been confusing at times, even for me, haha. X3

Figured this would be helpful here, too. Thanks, everybody! 😀


I’m puzzling over a wee bit of a dilemma, y’all.

See, I have a photo of myself from Saturday I want to share *everywhere,* I’m THAT proud of it. It’s not the photo above. It’s WAY better. But I’m not sure that I can. It is, as the kids say nowadays, too pure.

In the pic I’m talking about, I’m in a perfect superhero pose: hands on hips, head thrust back, huge smile, in the exact body I want, with that rainbow flag behind me as a cape.

It’s victory and joy incarnate. And for once– this ONE TIME– I’d prefer that folks not be fapping to it. But I know the Internet doesn’t work that way.

Once I’d post it, it’s out of my hands forever, and that means it could show up anywhere. Porn sites I’d never see a penny from. Chan boards. Oh, wow, the memes people could make from this pic. “Lass Lad to the Rescue.” “Supertr—y’s Power Is Turning You Gay.” I KNOW the Internet can think of worse. I don’t want to be some alt/-whatever forum’s shared pic of the day. Not with *this* one.

But it’s so perfect, part of me is howling! You should totally at least share it on the phalloplasty blog! It’d show folks who are still struggling that you can MAKE it, that you can win in the end!

It’s true, I’ve shared dang near every inch of my body over there before. Just not… this. Not this kind of vulnerability.

Maybe people have to PM me, off anon, for me to send it? Maybe if *I* macro something onto it first? Ugh. I just don’t know. I feel bad for keeping this particular sparkle under a basket, but. But. BUT.

Anyone got any thoughts? I’d welcome ‘em.



Phalloplasty for Kids, 101


Little kid’s standing in front of me in the returns line today. His eyes go huge, all of a sudden. “What *happened?!*” he whispers to me, pointing at my arm in horror.

“Oh, that was actually a good thing!” I say, lapsing into my standard answer. “They took the skin from there to fix another part that hadn’t worked right since I was a kid.”

He shakes his head. “Maaaan. I wish I had a scar like yours. Nobody’d ever try messing with me ever again!” >:U

Random food for thought: Both.

And suddenly, as I showed him the phone photo of my junk, the guy at the anime convention who’d been hitting on me for the past half hour paused.

“That’s… *that’s* your dick?” he asked, looking confusedly at the screen.

I nodded. “And my vagina.”

He snickered. “Can’t believe I’m saying this, but… you’re too freaky for me.”

“Tch. Your loss,” I sneered back at him.

We went our own ways into the night.

It’s interesting. I haven’t had many self-proclaimed drag queens show interest in me until this last weekend’s convention, but if the question ever comes up, I find cis and trans folks tend to react along the same lines if they hear I’ve got both parts.

The trans people tend to raise an eyebrow. I get a lot of “Why would you DO that?” Why would I go as far as most trans guys’ hopes and dreams could take them, and then stop halfway, keeping my factory original parts? It’s the same question I got from every phalloplasty surgeon I saw before I met with Dr. Crane. It’s expected that everyone will want the same thing. A surgery, then B surgery, then C, then D. As far from the side of the fence I was plunked onto as humanly possible.

(Heck, one trans guy I talked to once was upset with me for not transitioning to be a “full” man. Called me a traitor. [shrug] To each their own.)

The cis folks who hear I’m packing double have a different, but no less predictable, response. From young dudebro guys to little old ladies, anyone so far who’s had it come up in conversation has had the same reaction: “Have you thought about doing porn? You could make *so much money!”*

I don’t doubt it. I’d need to get clearance from my partner first, but I’d be lying if I said the thought had never crossed my mind.

Still, I met with a lot of folks at Anime Detour’s Trans Alliance and It Gets Better panels, and the response was undeniable: for some folks, A+B+C+D just isn’t going to work for their peace of mind. And though there may be only two surgeons I know of who’ll currently allow you to get, say, just B and C, not the whole package, it’s my hope that more and more doctors will acknowledge the changing tides and start looking into piecemeal physical gender reassignment.

I know what I am. And though I may check the M box every time I have to choose, my heart’s not set in only a M or F box.

My gratitude for living in a time where I could change my body to reflect exactly that is constant and ever-joyful. :3

7 More Things I Didn’t Expect After My Phalloplasty


I’m bringing this list back a little over a month after my phallo surgery last June (first part found over here: [Tumblr link broken] ), ‘cause there’s a few more things that’ve happened in the meantime that I *also* didn’t see coming. Keep in mind, these may not happen to you, but make sure you know going in that they *might.*

11.) THERE’LL BE WET SPOTS IN YOUR PANTS FOR A WHILE. Once your catheter is removed after two or three weeks and (joy of joys!!) you finally get to pee out of your phallus, your new meat is going to be totally inexperienced at what it’s doing– even moreso ‘cause the urethral tissue will be inflamed while it’s still healing. Urine will often be trapped within the urethra after you *think* you’re done going, only for it to slip out when you’ve already zipped up and walked away.

My way of getting around this has been to keep my dong cradled upon what’s called an “adult shield liner” (basically, an adult diaper, but just the crotch section) that I’ll stick between my legs, but even with that on my side, I have wet spots drip out after a bathroom visit and into my pants more often than I don’t.

I’d stress that you should take regular showers and change your clothes often, ’cause otherwise you are going to *stiiiink* after a couple days.

12.) SLEEPING ON YOUR STOMACH WON’T WORK ANYMORE. This one’s fairly obvious, but I still didn’t think of it. I’m a stomach sleeper– or at least, I *was,* until I had new sensitive bits down there I’d be crushing if I did. Sleeping on my side has been the go-to option so far, though it was harder than I’d like to admit to adjust.

13.) YOU MIGHT NEED A WARDROBE CHANGE. I used to be a boxer-briefs guy all the way. That was when I only had a 3-inch silicone packer to deal with. Bring that sucker up to a flesh-and-blood, not-so-squishable 5 inches, and space in the front of my drawers got dangerously tight in a hurry, if it didn’t poke out from the bottom seam altogether.

I went from Large boxer briefs to XL boxers, and had to start my underwear inventory from scratch (which ended up being 7 boxers, laundered twice a week– remember all those wet spots I mentioned having?). Count this as around $50 I didn’t think I’d have to spend.

14.) YOUR DONG MIGHT GROW HAIR. Again, this result varies from person to person. But I had electrolysis for a year before phalloplasty, and apparently that wasn’t enough to stave off *all* the hair from my arm. Right now, the head of my phallus has a layer of peach fuzz on it. I don’t mind it, and it doesn’t seem to have grown into the urethra or anything nasty, but it was a surprise after a month to realize I had hair sprouting down there.

15.) NOTHING WILL PREPARE YOU FOR HOW YOUR DONOR SITE IS GOING TO LOOK, THAT FIRST MONTH. I seriously didn’t think this would be an issue. I *love* horror movies – the gorier, the better. Bring on the Cronenberg arm, I told my surgeon team.

But when it came to unwrapping that section of my arm from its layers of bandages and gauze, and having to change that gauze, and wind everything back on again, every day, for 30 days… I had no idea. You can see your every heartbeat *moving* under there, that first week out of the hospital.

It’s going to look way, *way* better over time, even after just the first month. It really will, I promise. Deep breaths. You got this.

[EDIT, in 2018, including above photo: Heck, I had tattoos put around the scarring after it healed, because this scar was from something *happy*, and I wanted people to smile at it, instead of flinch and ask what in god’s name happened.]

But. It’s… *A Lot.* at first. Just be aware of that, going in. Gore hits a little different when the gore is part of you.

16.) WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T GO THAT FIRST MONTH ALONE. I am living proof that a person can technically make it through the first month of post-phalloplasty healing without having someone there with them. I stayed the whole month in a rental hotel room. Video chats with friends on a borrowed iPad and TaskRabbit and DoorDash drivers were my only human contact with the outside world.


Bring a friend to stay with you. Bring a family member. Even if they’re jerks. I’m not kidding. If they won’t pose any physical threat to you, please, show yourself enough kindness to have somebody else there.

This is the reason why, to this day, if I hear a person has to go that first month alone, I will *immediately* hand them my contact info, so they can reach out when they need to. I do it gladly. I wouldn’t wish the hell that month was on *anyone.*

17.) NONE OF THESE THINGS MAKE THE PHALLOPLASTY FEEL ‘NOT WORTH IT.’ Seriously. No matter how many complaints I’m bringing up here, feeling whole for the first time in my life has made all these hurdles and quirks *combined* seem like no big deal. I’ve been all but euphoric since day one, to the point where people I know have mentioned how happy and calm I am now, and I can’t imagine I’m the only one who feels this way. Bring it on! >:3

Another from the main blog that belongs here just as much.

My stand-to-pee prosthetic’s been falling apart for months now. Its measuring spoon was in tatters; I snipped off the tube attachment after holes wore through the sides. When you’re wearing it constantly, these things happen, but at least having a broken prosthetic feels less jarring than not having one at all.

It only seems fitting that the go-to cocoon I’ve been purchasing identical models of since 2004 would be breaking down right as I’m about to transform the area for good, in just a few days.