By request: Spot being stretchy/floppy! I swear I didn’t forget– this was just a busy month.

Note: in the last one, you’ll notice the pubic hair has a very distinct cutoff line. I’d just shaved what was there the night before, so the difference is a lot starker than the gradual curliness it usually has when I let it grow.

EDIT: why are they not animated. I made the gifs animated.

somebody who’s not a technological dinosaur, please tell me what I’m doing wrong

Urethroplastypalooza, Part 1: This Hole Was Made For Me

This is it. Wednesday, June 15th, two days shy of Spot’s first anniversary. Take 3 in trying to stop scar tissue from “healing” my dong’s urethra shut. Stage 1 of a 2-stage urethroplasty.

(Or is it Stage 2 of a 3-stage? I had a suprapubic catheter put in a month ahead of time, just to give the whole area a chance to calm down if anything was inflamed from trying to pee through my stricture. But anyhow.)

For this surgery, Dr. Elliott used buccal (inside of the mouth) tissue to rebuild the urethra’s strictured area from scratch. And for as cringe-worthy as “we’re stripping the skin from the inside of your mouth” sounds, I can easily say that this surgery was both 1) the most painless, and 2) the oddest-looking, as far as results go, that I’ve had yet.

Pictured above: what the *outside* of the harvested area looked like, three days after surgery. That’s not hair on my lip; it literally looked black on one side from bruising.

But as far as pain went? There was so little, I was off the Percocet the docs gave me after only a day and a half. I could feel the ends of some thread poking from where the inside of my mouth was sewn back up, but other than that… Y’know when you accidentally bite the inside of your mouth, and it’s a little raw in that spot for a couple days, but it doesn’t really hurt? Imagine that feeling, only on one entire side of your mouth. I’ve burned my mouth on pizza and had it hurt more.

The only *really* annoying part is how I could only open my mouth a tiny fraction on my ‘good’ side at first. It’s slowly getting more forgiving, and should be back to a normal range of motion within a month or so, but watching me try to eat this first week has been pure comedy. Picture a sloth, using one hand to hold a forkful of something mushed flat, its other hand sloooowly trying to guide the fork through the tiny slot of its open mouth, and you’ll get the idea.

It was that same Friday night, a couple days after surgery, that I discovered the sutures sealing a giant pad of gauze in place right underneath the base of my penis and over my vulva. (You’d think I’d notice something like that sooner, right? But nope. Like I said, no pain!) This is when I started to get a little nervous. “I’m sure they have a perfectly good reason why they sewed my vagina shut,” I thought to myself hopefully.

And indeed, I found on my follow-up visit that next Monday, nobody had actually sewn anything shut– it just *looked* like they did. A quick few snips, some forceps tugs, and the sutures and gauze pads were gone, leaving a hole underneath the base of Spot, riiiight where my original factory-issued urethra used to end.

Here’s what’s going on inside that hole, as it was explained to me. The surgeons put a small slit down part of the rebuilt urethra, facing the outside, and lined it up with a hole to the skin’s surface. For most FTM guys, this hole’s usually made to go through the scrotum, and that’s where you pee from for the next few months. Since I didn’t have a scrotoplasty, they put my hole right above the top edge of my vagina. You could be forgiven for thinking the pee comes out there, it’s so close.

(That’s right. All you confused eight-year-olds out there can consider yourselves justified; there’s at least *one* person in the world who pees out their vag. Kinda sorta.)

Now all I have to do is wait three months before I go back in to have my doc scope around the area and see how the former stricture area’s healing. If no more scar tissue’s cropping up, then *six* months from now, they’ll be sewing the urethra slit shut again, and this whole year-long journey can finally come to a happy end.

As an aside, three cheers for my follow-up doctor for agreeing to take photos of my crotch as soon as she’d opened the area back up. She got even more bonus points from me when she aimed the camera and said, “Open wide… and say ‘cheese’!” 😀

9 months.

So I’ve got some friends who are going through surgery at the moment, and one of the things I keep hearing from at least a couple of them is “What if it doesn’t turn out to look any good?”

I counter: Spot is *anything* but Photoshop-perfect. He’s chubby. He’s floppy. He’s still covered in scars. His head has deflated a bit by now. And you know what? I wouldn’t change a thing about him, because that’s SPOT, as I know him, and I’ve grown to love him so, so much.

Could do without the random uncontrollable urination bombs Spot drops on me every once in a while, but thankfully I’m seeing a Dr. Elliot at the University of Minnesota who can hopefully put those to rest, or at least explain them, on the 21st of this month.

New year, new sex toy!

Youguys, I’d been waiting for this for SO LONG. I had the Hazel penetrable from Bad Dragon ready *months* ahead of time. I’d heard of the two-condom rule (as far as being hard enough to penetrate) if you have a phalloplasty but no rods implanted, so here’s my review.

It was… okay?

For one thing, my partner was *all for* me trying to penetrate this toy, even helping guide me inside. But even with that on my side, and with the inner condom breaking halfway through, I’m not sure if my erotic-sensation nerves have grown in enough to give me as good as a time as I could’ve yet.

Definitely felt the pressure and suction, which wasn’t bad, but mostly I felt like you would if you rubbed your fingers against the broad part of your leg. Nice, but not *sexy.*

Right now, I do not have the physical ability for this to feel great. For myself, at least. I tried penetrating with a toy, but I would *not* try this with a living partner, given my results at six months in, unless you’re willing to have a lot less fun than whoever’s on the receiving end.

But, fingers crossed that more erotic nerves grow in for 2016. Who knows? :3

Day 7 of being stricture-free.

Who needs more dogshaming photos? Bring on the dickshaming!

Spot’s been a naughty one these past couple days. Even with a catheter in, this dong is so ready to be used again, I’ve had a full urine flow three times now, at random!

…Only once in an actual toilet.

The hotel housekeeping here’s starting to know me on a first-name basis, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Month 4 ½-ish.

Movin’ slow this past week.

I’m in diapers again. For some reason, Spot has started leaking short, heavy bursts of the most foul-smelling urine, despite my already having a catheter in. At random. All through the day. Through the urethral stricture that’s already there, so whenever it happens, as urine is actually coming out, I am in UPPERCASE amounts of pain. The catheter opening’s been starting to leak tiny amounts of blood, too.

I’ve been told by my surgeon’s staff that this is something that can happen when a catheter’s in for a long time, and that I need to get my tube changed. Fair enough; it HAS been in for five weeks, and there’s still four weeks until my Final Boss Battle Surgery to get my urethra fixed from the mess of scar tissue it is now.

However, I just got told my usual doctor isn’t authorized to do this. I thought she was. Really should’ve double-checked on that, in hindsight. So, come Monday, it’s time for me to go re-catheterization shopping. And to have very little idea what’s going on with my crotch until then, other than that it’s drippy and smells awful.

I’ve been asked by two people now whether I regret having phalloplasty, and my response is a DEFINITE no. Not even through the complications I’ve been having. The humiliation of having to rush home from work to change my soaked pants. Or of being back in diapers. Or the pain. It’s still all been worth it. I recognize these are temporary problems, and can’t wait to finally write my name in the snow come winter. (I’m thinking cursive.)

It’s just… it’s been really, really hard this week. But, I promised to give my whole personal story when I started this blog, and if pain and uncertainty are temporary stopping points at the moment– even if most people going through phalloplasty will never have this happen, and I’m glad about that– I’m not going to hide this part, either.

Also, wanted to make sure to get a shot of under Spot’s head, ‘cause if nothing else, the area *around* the urethral opening’s been healing up like a charm. :3

Day 113.

Sorry for not having many updates since my last trip to San Francisco. I *could* upload the video of me trying to piss through a stricture (with accompanying groans of pain) if anybody’d be interested, but lately, I’ve just been waiting on a surgery date for a urethral reconstruction, seeing how my original urethra’s a tad choked up by scar tissue right now.

About once a day, my penis will gush a mystery fluid that’s probably some kind of urine. I don’t even know what’s in the fluid, nor do I question it anymore. I’ve been referring to my mindset lately as “Cronenberg Zen.”

Oh, and if anybody’s wondering? I still stand behind this surgery 100%. I have been *happy,* no matter how messed-up it may be to have to carry a catheter bag everywhere (inside my stylish messenger bag from BlueRobotto of Before, where every “ma’am” would be like a screwdriver jabbed in my heart, now, I’m able to shrug these comments off with a simple “they just don’t know what I *really* am.” Having fleshy proof of same is something I’d never want to give up, no matter how many problems it might be giving me in particular.

Stay awesome, everyone. I’ll get through this. :3

Day 101.

Was put on painkillers to numb the pain problems I’ve been having while urinating lately. (Like, “not even realizing I’ve been drooling and crying until I’m done peeing” levels of pain.) As it’s iodine-based, this has turned my output bright neon orange. It doesn’t even show up in photos how bright orange this looks.

I fly to San Francisco tomorrow to see my surgeon Tuesday, who can give me some answers about this whole business. Wish me luck that it won’t take much to fix, yeah?

I wish I was Tumblr-savvy enough to know how to reply to multiple Anons at the same time on my phone, but these pics are for the two of you who wanted proof that I’m “dual-wielding” as far as genitalia.

(Also, for the Anon who phrased it like that, I’m pointing and yelling NERRRRD at you as much as I can for my own self getting the reference in the first place.) :3

Day 51.

To the Anon who wanted more front hole update pics: I came up against an unexpected obstacle while getting photos– that is, I’ve grown a whole bush of pubic fuzz in the month and a half I’ve been healing up. The basic shape of the hole is still a Y, but you can’t really tell from all the hair on top.

Still, hopefully these should hold you through until I get out my shaver. I made sure to try spreading what’s there, and was surprised at how much fun it seemed to be having that night. It’s still plenty active fluid-wise, even as my dong’s still waiting on erotic response. If anything, trying to wake up my dick seems to be getting more results with my hole than my phallus!