I hate to be rude or pry or anything but do you mind me asking if you have testicles? Sorry…..

No trouble at all, feel free to ask away if you’ve got questions! If it might help anyone to know, then my life is pretty much an open book.

Scrotoplasty *was* an option that I could’ve had done along with the phalloplasty, but I chose not to go with that, so nope, no balls here. :3


Wait, it’s National Coming Out Day? AWESOME!

I know a lot of folks are confused about what the heck I’m doing by now, if the reactions to me wearing dresses again were any indication, so this is a perfect time to clear some things up.

Hi! I’m Jonathan. Also known as Hyde, to my family. *Also* also known as Gerbil, to my friends and the Internet.

I am a trans nonbinary person. I was raised as a girl, decided that wasn’t working out so great for me, tried being a guy for about a decade (including having phalloplasty, where I specifically asked to keep my original plumbing as well– which, as the surgeons found out with me, is now a thing they can do!!) and then gave up on guyhood as well, because “nonbinary” ended up fitting me WAY better as a gender.

This is a recent change: ANY pronouns are fine for you to use. “They” is my personal favorite, followed by “he,” but I won’t turn up my nose at “she” anymore, either. I know not many folks can say this, but, speaking only for myself: pronouns have no power over me anymore. (Which is pretty awesome, I won’t lie.)

I want to thank you all for bearing with me on my journey, and treating me with such overwhelming kindness, respect, and love. Because I have to admit, it’s been confusing at times, even for me, haha. X3

Figured this would be helpful here, too. Thanks, everybody! 😀

Are you or will you be able to masturbate with your new dick?

I’m gonna divide up that question into a few specific parts, Anon, because I’ve found a lot of folks who haven’t heard of phalloplasty before will assume that the new dong’s going to come out from surgery able to do anything a cis guy’s dick can, which isn’t exactly true.

Can Spot get erect? Spot in particular can’t, though there IS a surgical option to get what’s called an “elator rod” implanted in a new phallus, which can make it stand firm enough for penetration (after it heals up, of course). I still have that option available to me, but with the complications Spot ended up having in the first two years, I figure I’ve had enough surgeries for one lifetime, heh.

Can Spot feel erotic sensation? Yes, around most of the shaft, and especially down near the base. Nerve regrowth speed can vary a bit from person to person, but if I’m remembering right, my dick started feeling touch sensation at around two months, and erotic sensation about a month or two after then. (That was a GLORIOUS day.)

Can Spot ejaculate? No. I don’t have any equipment in me that would produce semen, nor does anything squirt out from it when I do reach orgasm.

Can I still reach orgasm with Spot? Yes, often, and gladly! I can’t speak for everyone’s experience/preferences, but my most dependable way to reach orgasm is to rub up against really soft things, like pillows or blankets. This hasn’t changed a bit since getting phalloplasty– if anything, orgasming has gotten *easier,* now that my once-hella-oversensitive clitoral nerves are buffered by a whole dong’s worth of skin around it.

I hope this helps answer your question, Anon! :3

may I know what exactly happened to your clitoris during the procedure?

Sure thing! It’s been acting as an anchor that the entirety of Spot was built around, buried deep inside.

This was the option I chose to take; there’s also another method where the clitoris remains untouched, and the phallus is constructed directly above it, with it still poking out from underneath.

There’s pros and cons to each method, of course. Some people go with the second option because they don’t want to have erotic stimulation muffled from all that tissue wrapped over it. Luckily, my clitoris was an oversensitive little bastard when it was out in the open– I told the surgeons without pause, “BURY that sucker!” And I’m happy to say, though stroking Spot *is* a much more muted sensation, it’s much more enjoyable than the near-pain the original model would give me.

In an earlier post you said that you do not have any erotic sensation near your urethral opening. Do you think it would be possible for me to continue urethral sounding (Sticking a metal rod inside a urethra) after I have phalloplasty?

The thought *has* occurred that I could probably try sounding myself, Anon, but there’s one thing that’s kept me from trying, and that is the fact that Spot can’t feel any *pain* from the tip, either.

I’m no medical professional, and pain sensation regrowth will differ from person to person, so take my advice with those grains of salt, but I’d personally advise against trying so– just because I wince at the *thought* of injuring that kind of complicated surgical outcome because nothing hurt until damage was already done.

I’d love to be proven wrong about this, though. Perhaps there’s another follower of this blog who’d be able to offer some experience of their own? Feel free to speak up, if you have any advice!

Hi, I’m still personally questioning my own gender identity and I was wondering if you had any physical sensations that made you realize something wasn’t right with your body? And if so what were they like? Also, how did you decide on this set of procedures rather than just getting the phalloplasty and scrotoplasty?

This is just my own personal experience, but I never felt many physical sensations that something was off. There was a definite nauseous feeling I’d have, going out in public and feeling like I was lying to everyone when they’d think I was a girl. Past that distinct physical feeling, the mismatch I felt was a lot more abstract– harder to describe.

I remember pushing my college boyfriend away from any groin petting, because I knew there was something *not right* with the way I looked down there, even if I didn’t have the vocabulary for expressing it at the time besides “There’s something wrong with me.” I’d stuff socks down the front of my underwear back then and feel somewhat sated.

It wasn’t until 2005, when I moved to a big city and bought my first packer at a local sex toy shop (woo, Smitten Kitten! You were awesome then and you’re still awesome now!) that I felt a euphoria I’d never felt before. Having that floppy weight between my legs– the ‘why’ didn’t make sense, but it *calmed* me. Put me at ease. Like, yes, this matches my brain and my body better, somehow.

I chased that feeling across nine more packers over the years, mostly early stand-to-pee rubber hose and medicine spoon models (which I honestly should’ve been replacing more often than I did…) until finally getting Spot. Which has the handy ability, unlike the packers, of never ONCE falling out of my boxers! :3

Your arm scar looks like it healed up great. Was there any particular creams or care routines you followed? I had phalloplasty two years ago but my scar still looks really red in patches.

Ah, thanks much!

In those first few rough months where everything was still healing up, I remember I was quick to paste over any raw spots with Medihoney gel before wrapping everything back up in the dressings.

After the dressings and cast came off, pretty much every night before going to bed, I’d go over the area with Vanicream. I got the big-sized jar of it, with the pump dispenser on top. Nothing thick, just a quick pump or two and a rub-over. I did this until I ran out of a second big jar, or a little over a year. After that, I didn’t do anything special to it.

I’d keep forgetting to go over it at first, until I paired the action in my mind with taking my meds at night, by placing the cream jar right next to my pill tray. Just a little change, but that helped a lot!

~ happy 3rd birthday, Spot! ~

A dear friend of mine happens to have a birthday today. And three years ago, I was lying in my hospital bed in San Francisco, groggy and incoherent from post-surgery painkillers, but grabbing for my phone and texting her nevertheless, knowing what I must do.

Me: HAPPY BDAY I GOT YOU A DONG [photo of my crotch] 8D

Her: ….dude. Did you just send me your first unsolicited dick pic.

Me: heart haaaands


I’m just gonna keep saying “dickaversary” to myself and giggling today because, c’mon, it’s just a fun word to say.

Happy third dickaversary, Spot! It took three years, but I’m SO glad you’re finally housebroken.

( whispers slowly, ~ ~ dickaversary ~ ~ )

I was wondering if you ever followed up on calling Dr. Crane?

Ah, yes I did, Anon! Thanks so much for reminding me! I’ve actually had these answers for the past week, but wanted to wait until the hatemail situation settled down a little first. (Which it has, by now. Woohoo!) 😀

1.) Does Dr. Crane now require a hysterectomy before he’ll do a phalloplasty?

Answer: A hysterectomy is not required IF a patient specifically refuses a vaginectomy for the procedure.

So, what I asked to have done in 2015 (phalloplasty with urethral lengthening, no vaginectomy, no scrotoplasty) is still possible– you just have to be clear about this during your consultation.

Though just a note about complications when you request that particular combo: Spot ended up having three strictures in a row over the next couple years, solved by a replacement urethroplasty with a buccal (inside the mouth) skin graft. The surgeon team can’t really be blamed for giving me a much rosier-looking 30% chance of complications estimate in 2014, as there weren’t as many phalloplasties like mine that had been done by that team. The probability of complications is a little more well-documented now.

During my replacement urethroplasty, my surgeon at the University of Minnesota mentioned it’s looking more like about a 50% chance of developing a stricture or fistula after a phalloplasty, if there’s no vaginectomy done. A fifty-fifty chance is… daunting, to be sure, though I’m still glad I decided to go the path I did.

2.) What was your weight when you had phalloplasty? Will surgeons not do a phalloplasty if you’re overweight?

Answer: I was 155lbs when I had my July 2014 consultation, but gained weight very rapidly over that next year due to my then-untreated alcoholism. I was up to a little over 180lbs at my June 2015 phalloplasty.

There was some debate when I showed up over whether the phallo could still be done, but the surgeon team determined I was within reasonable limits, and we went ahead as scheduled.

I’ve heard Dr. Crane’s office has become more strict about weight limits since then, to avoid an increased risk of complications.

I was told in my phone call last week that weight limits are generally determined by one’s BMI, but that an in-person consultation (like the one I got in 2014, and again right before the surgery in 2015) is usually necessary to tell whether someone would be a good candidate for a particular phallo procedure or not. Judging whether a phalloplasty would be successful relies a lot on where the fat is distributed along the body. That can vary quite a lot between individuals, especially if the patient wants the skin used to build the phallus to come from the ALT (thigh) region.

Thanks to the folks who sent me these Asks for being so patient! It may take me a while, but I do my best to get to everyone’s questions eventually. :3